Human Moments
by fartheraway2004
Summary: Bella has to take a dump. Please read...
1. What's that smell?

I wrote this becuase Bella never seemed to use the bathroom, so i thought she had been holdin it long enough.

**Human Moments**

I started passing gas and knew it was time.

"Edward, I need have a human moment RIGHT NOW!" I said. Edward just sat there.

I got up and ran to the bathroom. I stopped at the mirror to admire myself then looked at the toilet, it was so beautiful, all flowing with water and stuff, it was so clean cause no one ever used it.  
"I really gotta take a crap." I mumbled to myself. I sat down at the pot and crapped my heart out, it felt so releiving, I farted so loud that Emmett screamed "BOMB!" from downstairs. Im the first one to use this toilet! I'm proud. I got up to wipe my ass but realized there was no toilet paper. Oh no! what am I gonna do? I took off my shirt and wiped my ass with it, and threw it out the door. it landed on rosalies head. "OH, WHAT THE HELL?!!!!!?" she screamed.

I was washing my hands now. I was happy cause I took the crap of my life and it landed in rosalies head! I walked out of the bathroom and I might add, it smelt really bad.. Edward was no where to be seen, Rose was gone too. I got worried and started hypervenalating. What if he left again? I ran downstairs and no one was there. I started sobbing and fell to my knees. I knew this would happen if I used the bathroom. "WHY MUST I BE HUMAN?" I cried for what it felt like, hours. Then got back up and wondered around. I began leaving and wishing for death.

Then I saw Edward and the whole family standing outside waiting. "Oh Edward! I thought you had left me!" I ran over and hugged him. Then I blushed because I had no shirt on. Edward held his hands out to stop me. Emmett was howling with laughter, Alice looked disgusted, Rose looked furious, Carlisle looked normal and Esme was smiling at me. Jasper was puking in the river... "You smelt up the whole fucking house it will stink like shit forever! We'll never get that smell out!!!!!!!!!!!" Rosalie screamed at me. I blushed big time and realized what I had actually done. "Bella, What did you _do?"_ Edward cried, "I had to poop, i've been holding it but I couldnt any longer so I just let it rip, I'm sorry will you ever forgive me?"

"I dont know, I dont think you'll ever smell like you used to again, and that is what attracted me to you."  
"Please Edward i'll clean your house and I promise to never poop again."  
"I love you." Edward replied. I just stared at him and farted on accident. "NOT _AGAIN! NO NO NO NO!!!!" _Alice was crying now.

"I thought girls couldn't fart..." Emmett said.

Never take a dump in a vamps house.


	2. What's wrong with your face?

Pimple

I cheerfully woke up out of a peaceful sleep and made my bed, which I never really did. Edward had been hunting since the poop incedent. in fact, the whole Cullen household had been gone, they said they needed to hunt and that the house needed refreshing. (You should have seen all the air freshners they had plugged in!)

Today would be the best day because Edward was coming back today, he had been gone a total of 4 days. I happily got dressed in a yellow t-shirt and a pair of blue jeans. I put on a little make up for Alice's benefit. And I wanted to look good for my man because I thought he might not like me, Alice said all of his clothes smell like poop.

I did a once over in the mirror but as I did this I noticed something on my forehead, it was a huge pimple! I mean that sucka was BIG it was pink and at the very tip there was a huge white bump thingy, It was like the ones Eric has! Oh no! I started praying that God would make my pimple go away but it didn't help. I ran my finger over it and it felt weird. Did I mention it right in the middle of my forehead?

My cheerful mood got washed away by sadness and to top it off Edward was coming back! I got a wash cloth and ran it over water then ran it over my pimple. It popped! EW I thought to myself, it was so gross. Now the pimple was bigger and more noticeable but the white thing wasn't there anymore. It started swelling and blood started coming out.

"Bella?" I panicked Edward is here oh God! "Yes?" I managed to squeak. "Can I come it?" All of a sudden the door came crashing down on my and I saw a blonde blur. "I SMELL BLOOD!" I heard jasper growl. Uh OH! "Are you _BLEEDING_?" I heard Edward shout while restraining Jasper. "Jasper what are you doin here?!" I asked while holding my arm over my forehead actin all dramatic. I felt my pimple and now had a huge goose egg on my forehead from here Jasper knocked the door down and it hit my head. "I.. smelt blood.. and.. I couldn't... control..." he broke down in mid sentence. "I could have killed you!" He whined. I winced at the level of his voice. "It's okay Jasper.. You didn't even touch me, the door did. Why were you here anyway?"

"Well I was down in seattle when all of a sudden, I smelt blood and I traced it and it led to you.." He looked pained. "You smelt it all _the_ _way from there??"_ I almost laughed and covered my mouth with both hands. I looked at Jasper and Edward and they were just staring at me. Then I remembered the pimple AND the big as hell bump on my head. This can't be happening! Then I blacked out.

Next thing I knew I woke up in the emergency room, with all 7 vampires staring at me right in the face. "What the hell are you guys staring at?" I asked feeling my face. "Well you have a tumor on your forehead." Emmett replied acting all smart and shit. I rolled my eyes and said "It's a PIMPLE! not a fucking tumor, OK? Jesus."I jumped up and stomped out of there. I didn't give a shit if my ass was showin I stormed out of their. I have had enough! So much for the best day ever. I was pissed at everything! I've been cursed. What's next?


End file.
